Of Voldemort, Bob and a Snack Machine
by The Jellinator
Summary: A spoof.
1. Default Chapter Title

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Of Voldemort, Bob and a Snack Machine

A/N: This is a really weird story. Reading this story may be hazardous to your health. You have been warned.

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Voldemort was really hungry. He decided that he wanted a bag of chips from a snack machine at Hogwarts. They hadn't had a snack machine when he went there, but he hoped they did now. He kicked open the castle door and headed for the Entrance Hall. For some reason, nobody found it odd that Voldemort had come to Hogwarts for a bag of chips.

He went up to the snack machine, put in a dollar, and pressed the button thingy to get his snack. Suddenly, Voldemort was sucked into the snack machine! 

"AUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed. "GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You are here for a purpose, Tom Riddle," said a deep voice like the announcer guy's on TV.

"I am?" asked Voldemort.

"Yes," replied the voice. "Bob is dead."

"Bob? Who the hell is Bob?"

"Bob is dead. He died."

"WHO THE FUCK IS BOB? I DON'T KNOW ANY BOB! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT BOB! WHY AM I IN THE FUCKING SNACK MACHINE?" Screamed Voldemort.

"You are here for a purpose," the voice said again.

Just then Harry Potter walked by. "HARRY!" shrieked Voldemort. "GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M SORRY I TRIED TO KILL YOU! HELP ME! I JUST WANTED A FREAKING BAG OF DORITOS!"

Harry ran to get Dumbledore. "Proffessor Dumbledore," he said. "Voldemort is stuck in the snack machine!

"Snack machine?" said Dumbledore. "We don't have a snack machine."

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A/N: OK, that was really weird. Utterly unworthy. Review please!


	2. Default Chapter Title

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Of Voldemort, Bob and a Snack Machine

Part 2: The Attack of the Hershey Bars

A/N: Thanks to Erin for the idea about the attacking Hershey bars. You probably weren't serious about that idea, but I kinda liked it…And once again, this is a really weird story. You have been warned!

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"Snack machine?" said Dumbledore. "We don't have a snack machine."

Meanwhile, Voldemort was still stuck in the snack machine. "HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed to all of the students passing him in the hall. None of them stopped, but a few walked off grumbling about the snack machine being broken.

"Man, the snack machine is broken!" said Ron to Hermione as they passed in the hall.

"We don't have a snack machine," Hermione replied in a know-it-all voice. "I read it in _Hogwarts: A History."_

Suddenly Voldemort heard the voice again. "You are here for a purpose, Tom Riddle," it boomed. "You must duel the Hershey chocolate bars."

"What do you mean, I have to duel with a chocolate bar?"

"Not just a chocolate bar, _the_ chocolate _bars."_

"That's insane!" said Voldemort.

"So are you," replied the voice. Voldemort heard a thumping noise behind him. He turned around and saw an army of chocolate Hershey bars marching towards him.

"You are here for a purpose, Tom Riddle. Bob is dead," the voice said.

"I GODDAMN FUCKING KNOW THAT ALREADY!" yelled Voldemort.

"You must battle the chocolate bars because they killed Bob," the voice continued. "You must avenge Bob or he will turn his army of Skittles against you."

"I thought Bob was dead?"

"He is."

"Then how can he send his army against me?" Voldemort asked. 

"Don't ask questions," the voice said. "It is time to face the chocolate."

"I can't believe this is happening," groaned Voldemort, reaching for his wand. He then realized he didn't have it. After all, all he wanted was a bag of Doritios.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" he screamed. "I'M ALONE AND UNARMED AGAINST A FUCKING ARMY OF GODDAMN HERSHEY BARS!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!"

Just then Ron walked by. "HELP!" Voldemort screamed. "I'M SORRY I TRIED TO KILL YOUR BEST FRIEND! JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE! ALL I WANTED WAS A FREAKING BAG OF DORITIOS!!!!!!!"

Ron ran to Professor McGongall's office. "Professor!" he panted. "Voldemort is stuck in the snack machine!"

"Snack machine?" said Professor McGongall. "We don't have a snack machine."


	3. Default Chapter Title

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Of Voldemort, Bob and a Snack Machine

Part 3: Eat Me, Drink Me

A/N: Some people were offended by my (or rather, Voldie's) excessive use of the word fuck, so in this part I have replaced all of those with things such as "frik", "freak" and "fruck". And the story continues…

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"Snack machine?" said Professor McGongall. "We don't have a snack machine." 

Now Ron was really confused. Of course they had a snack machine! Meanwhile…

"Hey, voice dude!" said Voldemort. "How do I defeat the Hershey bars?"

"You are here for a purpose, Tom Riddle," the voice said.

Just then Professor Snape walked by. "Voldemort," he said, "Why are you in the snack machine? Wait a minute, we don't _have_ a snack machine!" Snape ran off to tell Dumbledore about Voldemort in the snack machine.

"WAIT! SEVERUS! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Voldie. Suddenly he felt something hitting his back. It was a Hershey bar. "I'M GONNA FRIKKIN' DIE!!!!!!"

"You must defeat the Hershey bars, Tom Riddle," said the voice as the Hershey bar army hurled themselves at Voldemort. Suddenly Voldie saw a candy bar labeled "Eat Me." Sadly, he had never read _Alice in Wonderland _and didn't know any better than to eat it. He suddenly grew so tall that his head shot out of the top of the snack machine. Then Voldie saw a bottle labeled "Drink Me," and poor, stupid Voldemort drank it. He shrank down to the size of the Hershey bars.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed in terror, which was understandable as the Hershey bars had begun pelting him with M&Ms, which were now huge to him. In a rare moment of thinking, he grabed a Pull 'N Peel Twizzler, made it into a lasso, and used it to climb up onto a higher shelf. 

"Tom Riddle, Bob is not pleased. You must defeat the Hershey bars." That stupid voice was back again.

"Shut up," said Voldemort.

Just then Dumbledore walked in, with Snape following him. 

"See sir? Voldemort is in the snack machine," said Snape. 

"GET ME OUT!" shrieked Voldemort. "I JUST WANTED A FREAKING BAG OF DORITOS FROM THE SNACK MACHINE!"

"I see," replied Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "But we don't have a snack machine." He and Professor Snape walked away.

At Voldemort's evil secret hideout…

"Where is Master?" Wormtail asked Lucius Malfoy, as they played a game of strip poker.

"He said something about Hogwarts, but he left his wand here. Maybe we should go help him."

"Yeah," said Pettigrew. He and Lucius set off for Hogwarts.

When they got there, they saw the shrunken Voldemort in the snack machine. "HELP!" he shrieked.

"Master!" they both said, running over. Wormtail stuck his hand in to try and reach Voldemort, and he and Lucius were sucked in too!

"Fools! You should have gotten help!" said Voldemort. "And why are you only wearing pants? Were you playing strip poker or something?"

"Master," asked Lucius stupidly, "Have you shrunk?

"Ya think? It was something I frikkin' ate."

"We brought your wand," said Pettigrew. He handed it to Voldemort.

"This isn't my wand, it's a frikkin' stick! You idiots! SAVE ME!"

"I can call for help on my cell phone," said Lucius.

'What's a cell phone?" asked Wormtail.

"How am I supposed to know?" said Lucius. "I'm a wizard."

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Will they ever get out of the snack machine? And what will happen to the attacking Hershey bars?

Tune in next time to find out!


End file.
